My “illness”

Some people say they don’t believe in mental illness’…. Neither did I until I had my first panic attack 7 years ago. And wow it was scary! I didn’t know what had hit me, I felt like I was loosing my mind, my head was in a daze, I felt sick and faint and I felt so scared – but I didn’t know what of and that was the scariest part. As time went on I started to encounter more and more panic attacks, some days I wouldn’t even leave my home, too scared of the outside world. When you go through something like this, your past which was full of freedom becomes a distant memory. I used to travel around the world, I loved experiencing different cultures and meeting all sorts of different people. I was a real sun worshipper too! When the “illness” hit me it was one of the most scariest experiences I had ever been through as I didn’t know what was happening to me. This wasn’t who I was! Slowly as the years went by my world became smaller and smaller as any place I had a panic attack in I was too scared to go back to! And now I sit here in my home still scared of the outside world but also wanting to explore it! How confusing! People I have met during this journey have understandably never understood how I’m feeling so therefore it can be a very lonely place here in my head! It can make me depressed at times, even not wanting to be here in my loneliest and darkest moments.  Sometimes I wake up in the night and feel so frightened, I sit there in the darkness afraid of what the future has in store for me. BUT you know what I STILL FIGHT TO SEE ANOTHER DAY. I still wake up, get dressed, put on a brave face and face the day ahead… now to me, that is strength and I can positively say that I do not know anyone as strong as myself. I have battled against my own mind for around 2,550 days now and I am still standing! Any form of stress big or small can kick start my anxiety, and I just have to breathe it out and keep moving forward. Right now all I have is faith. Faith that one day I will get my life back. Faith that I will be FREE! However there are few positives that I can take out of having my “illness”…… It has made me incredibly grounded, I enjoy the simple things in life like sitting next to my loved ones enjoy a glass of wine with music playing the the background :), I appreciate people more and have become very caring and sensitive to peoples personal pains, it has made me want to help people and look after them as I know how tough life can be, and lastly it has really made me an incredibly strong person! This “illness” has made me a lot wiser and its made me realise what’s really important in life….. We all have our issues but we must try to take positives from them. Thank you for taking the time to read this….. Its good to get your thoughts out 🙂

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